'And He Came To Himself'

This is my entry from my journal in 2009 as I was at the pivotal moment in my life where I had come to myself and realized I couldn’t do this anymore. Here was what was going on in my mind. Maybe you are feeling like this now? Obviously, I chose LIFE! 

“Somewhere along the path of life for every one of us there comes that dreaded moment when we suddenly see ourselves for what we really are: minus all the sham, the surface, and the show – and we stand face to face with the stark truth, minus the deception of our own selfishness. We see ourselves clearly as all the idiotic self-deceptions are ripped away and we are shown what we really are: selfish, deceitful, con-manipulating, full of excuses and dishonest even to ourselves, full of hate, rage, vengeance, faults, and failings.

To those lucky ones, the young who realize this – and praise God that they do – and see it for what it is, destroy it now and take up Jesus’ Cross and continue to retain His love as their guiding star until the end of their days.

But to most of us, this moment only comes at a time when many of life’s battles and years have passed. This moment may be brought about by the death of a loved one, the loss of worldly goods, or a spiritual illumination. But to a druggy like myself, it has come when I finally faced the inevitable choice: death, suicide, insanity, or absolute sobriety and belief in Jesus Christ.

In Luke 15:17 in the parable of the lost son, there was a point in the son’s miserable existence “when he came to his senses.” I had come to my senses and it came to me in a blinding flash that has gradually torn away the very foundations of my life, and here arose the all too familiar cry from the innermost sanctuary of my soul and heart: My God, what have I done? How pitiful am I? How sparing my help to others, how innumerable my mistakes, the wrongs. How all-pervading my self-seeking, how dishonest my every motive, how very sad I am, the lives I have destroyed, or, at the very least, turned into chaos and discord.

This moment may last for hours or years, but however long it may be, it is a most dreadful and fearful moment, because on this moment and on my decision at this moment depends my very life. Nothing will ever be the same again. It’s not that life’s greatest decision MUST be made, and even now it seems as if God Himself has me by the hands and the devil has me by the feet and they are ripping me apart, neither willing to let me go!

And having caught, for a fleeting instant, a vision of myself naked in the White Light of Truth; having seen and experienced the abyss which separated me from what should be, from what I believed or tried to believe myself to be – and at the same time I recognized my own complete helplessness. I can now do one of three things: Rush in chaotic confusion back into my old ways (the comfort zone); allow the shock, failure, lies, and disillusionments to affect me and despair in one way or another and seek to continue to destroy myself; or do what I want so very badly to do at this instant by dropping to my knees and admitting: God, Marsha, Mother, Father…I have really messed things up! I am powerless and my life is a mess!” For the first time in my life, I realize my life is a mess…”

Also See last week's message from Pastor Cole